Atheist Fag

Jammed Fax Machine Provokes Mass Hysteria at Massachusetts Bank

Posted on May 31st, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Rants, Repugnicans, UnFaux News, editorials.

In Ashland, Massachusetts a fax machine at a Bank of America branch jammed while receiving a fax from the Bank of America marketing department. Graphical images of a lighted match and a bomb with a fuse were visible in the partial fax copy received before the jam. Like good victims of the Fox News Network, the bank employees panicked and called the police in the first hysterical over-reaction in a chain of police-involved hysterical reactions.

By the time that someone had managed to clear the paper jam in the fax machine 15 local businesses had been evacuated, including a day care facility with 30 children at a nearby property. How many parents had to leave work early to go pickup their children? How many innocent children were frightened by this hysterical over-reaction by an Action News afflicted idiot? Film at 11!

Let’s face it, fax machines are evil. There can be no denying the deeply evil nature of a fax machine. In fact only clothes hangers and nuclear weapons are more evil than fax machines, although ink-jet printers are mighty damn annoying. But most fax machines do not usually explode because of a paper jam. Most of the time.

I admit there have been a few times I’ve wanted to pickup a fax machine and throw it with great force against a nearby wall, I hate the fucking things! But this animosity does not translate into fear that easily for me. I’ve never let a fax machine get the better of me for more than a few minutes.

Recently, in order to protect our property from terr’ists, I contracted with a Chicago area firm to receive faxes for me, convert them to digital images, and then email the image to me here in California. I figure as long as the fax machine is 1700 miles away I don’t need to evacuate the property every time some random fax comes in. Hell, I don’t even watch Fox News, so I’m probably not nearly as frightened of my own shadow as I should be. In fact I designed and created UnFox News as an antidote to Fox News, it’s not a propaganda arm of the Republican Party.

You can fax your comments or send voicemail responses to this blog entry using my 1700 mile away fax machine by calling (815) 642-4707. It won’t cause any paper jams and I promise not to panic.

Technorati Tags: mass hysteria, over reaction, Ashland, Bank of America, bomb scare, fax machine, voicemail, Chicago, Fox News, UnFox News, Republican Party

1 comment.

The Assault on Reason: Our Glorious Christian Leader

Posted on May 21st, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Demoncrats, Repugnicans, Uncategorized, editorials.

Al Gore, the man who won the US Presidential election in November 2000, has finally let loose against Our Glorious Christian Leader, and justifiably he has fired using both barrels.

In his new book The Assault on Reason Gore describes the great harm that has been done to America and the rest of the world by the gang of Neocon Fundamentalist thugs that stole the election 7 years ago.

While he does not explicitly call for the impeachment and prosecution of Our Glorious Christian Leader, Gore does lay out a list of the crimes committed by OGLC and Darth Cheney.

It looks like a wonderful addition to any collection of reality-based reading material. And please remember, Just say NO to Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddies and their self-appointed representatives in Washington!

Technorati Tags: Al Gore, Our Glorious Christian Leader” The Assault on Reason., Books, expose, treason, Repugnican, thugs, neocons

0 comments.

George W. Bush Scandal Collector Plates

Posted on May 4th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Our Glorious Christian Leader, Repugnicans.

In this video clip, Bill Maher presents the George W. Bush Scandal Collector Plate Series, it is a subscription service, you get a new plate every month. Several years may be required past the end of the Bush Administration for the Jefferson Mint to be able to catch up, there are just so many scandals!

Order now, operators are standing by. And if you call within the next ten minutes…

Technorati Tags: Bill Maher, youtube, Collector Plates, Jefferson Mint, Our Glorious Christian Leader, George W Bush, call now, comedy, satire, spoof

1 comment.

Are Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise Secret Gay Lovers?

Posted on May 3rd, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Mor[m]ons, Religious Wingnuts, Repugnicans.

Mitt Romney recently revealed that his favorite book of all time was the psychotic ravings of L Ron Hubbard in Battlefield Earth, the proto-Bible of the Scientologist cult of which Tom Cruise is a well known member. This furtive admission by would-be warmonger Romney finally allows us to connect certain details of Mitt’s lifestyle choice and that of the famous Mr Cruise.

As Ted Haggard clearly demonstrated for the world last fall, those who protest most vehemently against homosexuals are often the folks with the deepest and darkest closet spaces. It is a well known fact that Tom Cruise has an entire army of attorneys just waiting to sue anyone who suggests he is a bit light in the loafers. And Mitt Romney has been struggling for many years to portray himself as the most viciously and vehemently homophobic of all the Party of Jesus Presidential candidates.

So let us examine the known facts, Tom Cruise poses as an actor in order to distract people from his Scientologist agenda, while Mitt Romney poses as a Mor[m]on so folks won’t guess that he is a follower L Ron Hubbard. One must admit that it is a fairly clever ploy on Romneys part to conceal his membership in one psychotic and abusive cult by claiming to be a member of a somewhat older but more violent death cult.

Many have postulated that Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise are actually secret gay lovers. In order to evaluate this claim, since both well known homophobes can be expected to issue forcefully worded denials, let us examine the facts that are available to the general public.

• Mitt Romney claims to be a lifelong hunter
• Tom Cruise appeared in a movie as a vampire, hunting for victims
• As Governor of Massachusetts, Romney used his bully pulpit to harass gays
• Tom Cruise was constantly bullied in school
• Although Tom Cruise often makes donations to political candidates, he has carefully avoided giving money to Romney
• Romney says he’ll expand our Armed Forces if elected, is he secretly planning to hire Top Gun?

When you add up all of the available evidence, and consider what great efforts Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise have gone to in order to avoid being seen together in public, only one conclusion is possible. Still, we wonder which one is the top?

Technorati Tags: Mitt Romney, Ted Haggard, Tom Cruise, gay lovers, Scientology, L Ron Hubbard, closet cases, homosexuality, gay rights, Battlefield Earth, favorite book, Republican, Party of Jesus

2 comments.

4 Years Ago Today: Mission Accomplished

Posted on May 1st, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Faith-Based Invasions, Imperialist wars, Repugnicans.

Four years ago today Our Glorious Christian Leader landed on an aircraft carrier safely parked off the California coast, and with a giant banner declaring “Mission Accomplished” behind him, he declared that major conflict had ended, and our imperialist invading forces, acting on a pack of lies, had won the war. According to our Faith-Based Leader, nothing was left except the mopping up, and of course finding those ten thousand carefully hidden Weapons of Mass Deception, er, Destruction.

Not much later the White House department of Faith-Based Historical Adjustment, the folks who make up slogans like “We have always been at war with Eurasia”, did a wee bit of editing of Our Glorious Christian Leader’s speech that he bravely made off the coast of California.

I’m sure the 3,000 US Soldiers and the several hundred thousand Iraqis who have died since Our Glorious Christian Leader’s victory speech were glad to know that their deaths were not in vain, since large American corporations continue to make huge profits on the war against an abstract noun. And there is no danger of terror surrendering and ending the party, since abstract nouns can’t surrender and our imperialism inspires more acts against us every day.

During this war it has become apparent that there is no level of atrocity the US government might commit in foreign countries that is so extreme it would cause the citizens to require the resignation of our leaders. At least, not as long as cable TV prices don’t go up again.

Mission Accomplished, America is now addicted to war.

Technorati Tags: Mission Accomplished, abstract noun, War on terror, addicted to war, Our Glorious Christian Leader, Weapons of Mass Deception

0 comments.

Darth Cheney Continues His Money Making Lies

Posted on April 6th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Faith-Based Invasions, Imperialist wars, Repugnicans.

Darth Cheney, who profited directly from the invasion of Iraq through his 10 million dollars in Halliburton stock options and his one million dollar per year “severance” package, continues to this day with the intentional deceits he originally designed to sell this illegal war to the world.

Darth is especially fond of his lies to the effect that the Iraqi regime was supporting Al Quaeda before the illegal invasion that has lined his pockets and those of his Party of Jesus pals. Speaking on the radio program, of Rush Limblob, Darth reiterated verbatim his oft-told fiction that is the last stand among the many lies he developed and propagated. He no longer peddles the yellow cake lies (he still has his yellow cake, but we wish he would eat it), he has long given up on the WMD lies, and the laughable claims of Iraqi remote controlled model airplanes never cut it with any but those most seriously afflicted with Party of Jesus faith.

But he does continue the lie that Zarqawi the terr’ist was an Al Qaeda agent before the imperialist invasion. He was not. It was the wrongful, illegal, and imperialist invasion of Iraq that Darth Cheney planned and nurtured which drove Zarqawi to join Al Qaeda.

Darth Cheney is the worst of all of the traitors in Washington today. He is the one that should be impeached, arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison first. Then we can deal with minor shrubbery and the related nuisances.

Technorati Tags: Darth Cheney, Al Qaeda, Zarqawi, Iraq, imperialism, conspiracy to start a war of aggression, treason, impeachment, war crimes

2 comments.

Mor[m]on Students Reject Darth Cheney Appearance

Posted on April 3rd, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Mor[m]ons, Repugnicans, Schools.

Perhaps it is actually possible to be a Mor[m]on without being a total wanker nutjob. One does not often hear good news from Utah. Usually any news from Utah is about fag bashing, high school student fag bashing, or some other kind of hatred directed at people that are not afflicted with the Mor[m]on Death Cult and don’t wear magic underwear.

So it was with great delight that we learned of a movement involving a portion of the students and faculty at Brigham Young University urging the school to withdraw an invitation to Darth Cheney to speak at their forthcoming commencement exercise. Critics at the school question whether Cheney sets a good example for graduates, citing his promotion of faulty intelligence before the Iraq war and his role in the CIA leak scandal. This is a nice way of calling Darth Cheney a lying, mother fucking, weapons of mass destruction-using, killer of innocent women and children.

In order to attend Brigham Young a student must swear they will avoid sinful behavior like drinking coffee and wearing shorts. But student Diane Bailey, who is leading a protest Wednesday against Cheney’s visit, said students are not “robotic conservatives.”

Bailey and others are upset by Cheney’s role in promoting faulty intelligence that led the U.S. into the Iraq war. They also cite his proximity to the CIA leak scandal in which his chief of staff, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice.

This might be one of the coolest things that has happened in Utah since the Earth was created 6,000 years ago. If Darth Cheney had feelings, there might be a slight risk of them being hurt. We think he should be impeached, and then given a nice relaxing waterboard treatment for each innocent Iraqi citizen that died because of his pack of lies.

Technorati Tags: Darth Cheney, Utah, Brigham Young University, Warner Woodworth, Diane Bailey, Repugnicans, pack of lies, imperialism, war crimes, Dick Cheney, impeachment, waterboard

2 comments.

US Interrogator Says He Tortured For No Reason in Iraq

Posted on April 1st, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Faith-Based Invasions, Imperialist wars, Repugnicans, faith-based torture.

A patriotic US citizen named Tony Lagouranis has been speaking out about the widespread practice of torturing prisoners of war in Iraq, admitting that he conducted torture sessions with the blessings of Alberto “Torture Time” Gonzales legal opinions that claimed Our Glorious Christian Leader is entitled to authorize torture.

Serving in both the notorious Abu Ghraib prison as well as at Al Asad Airfield, Lagouranis, who is now working as a bouncer at a Chicago bar, says that the practices used by US forces are in fact torture despite the pretend justification from America’s most infamous attorney. Among the techniques he freely admits are used by US Forces are:

• Intimidation with military dogs
• waterboarding, a personal favorite of Darth Cheney
• prolonged stress positions
• shackling prisoners to an upright bed frame attached to a wall
• anal insertion of “thermometers”

Meanwhile, back in the US, Republican-controlled Fox TV was glorifying the illegal and immoral practice of torturing people on the pure propaganda TV series 24.

This pro-torture propagandizing of the American sheeple has not escaped the critical attention of foreign media outlets that are not controlled by US corporations, as is evidenced in Australia, Italy, Malaysia, France, South Africa, and Canada.

Have you heard about this story on Fox News? We did not think so. We first saw the story on UnFox News - it’s not a propaganda arm of the Republican Party.

Technorati Tags: Torture, Iraq, Alberto Gonzales, Abu Ghraib, Tony Lagouranis, Our Glorious Christian Leader, 24, Fox TV

0 comments.

Darth Cheney Claims US House Does Not Support Troops

Posted on March 24th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Faith-Based Invasions, Imperialist wars, Repugnicans.

A majority of the Representatives in the US House have voted to save the lives of at least some of our troops in Iraq by bringing them home so that they will not be killed needlessly by IEDs or snipers. In a pattern consistent with his 7 years of telling lies for huge war profits, Darth Cheney has claimed that this effort shows the House does not support our troops.

Darth would like his corporate warmonger cronies at Halliburton to keep making money hand over fist. To do that, Darth needs to keep our troops there as long as possible. This means that more of them will be killed. Darth claims that his warmongering policies based on greed and a pack of lies are the patriotic way to support our troops. I’ve got a bridge for sale.

If Darth were really patriotic, he’d fly to The Hague and turn himself in for crimes against humanity. That is the only thing the Vice War Criminal can do now to reduce the great harm he has already done to his own country, the people of Iraq, and the whole civilized world to which he has brought so much more terr’ism.

Just to recap the Darth Cheney big lie of the week: bringing our troops home so they do not die equals not supporting our troops; on the other hand keeping our troops there so that more of them die for nothing at all demonstrates support for our troops.

Sorry Darth, you can’t fool all of the people all of the time, just the 35% that are not calling for your impeachment YET. You’re living high on the hog now, Darth, but change rules the universe. You’ll get yours, and many people will be glad you did.

Technorati Tags: Darth Cheney, support our troops, US House, House of Representatives, end war, Halliburton, war profiteer, fuck Darth

0 comments.

Has Darth Cheney Finally Told the Perfect Lie?

Posted on March 12th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Rants, Repugnicans.

His super-sized lies about nukular weapons labs, fictititious uranium sales, and non-existent links between Saddam Hussein and Al Quaeda were main components of the pack of lies used to justify the illegal and immoral invasion of Iraq, but now Darth Cheney may have finally invented the perfect lie.

Not content just to collect his million dollar a year pension from Halliburton, Darth Cheney has enhanced his career with an illegal and immoral war, the promotion of torture, championing illegal detentions, and no doubt many more evil actions we do not yet suspect. But today he may have finally achieved a life-long goal by telling the perfect lie. The US Vice President of Torture has actually said that a “US withdrawal from Iraq would be a disaster for the United States and the entire Middle East.”

No doubt Darth is particularly proud of this lie, as it is the perfect opposite of the truth. It was the US invasion of Iraq justified by his lies that in fact has already caused a disaster for the US and the entire Mideast. It is the amazingly evil actions of Darth Cheney and his band of war profiteering scum that have already created the disaster which any fucking idiot can plainly see already exists.

At times we almost wish the imbecilic religious beliefs of Our Glorious Christian leader actually had some basis in fact, because, if there really was a heaven and a hell everyone currently alive on the entire planet would be able to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, where Darth Cheney was headed next.

At least we can be thankful for the existence of blood clots. Everybody chant with me “Circulate, circulate, circulate”.

Technorati Tags: Darth Cheney, perfect lie, Our Glorious Christian Leader, Iraq, pack of lies

0 comments.

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