Atheist Fag

Republican Comedian Craig Guilty, Not Guilty, Resigning, Not Resigning

Posted on September 6th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Court Cases, Faith-Based Hypocrisy, Faith-Based Self Loathing, Homophobia, Religious Fraud, Religious Wingnuts, Repugnicans.

Your favorite Republican stand-up comic, US Senator Larry Craig, has issued a denial of his denial that he is not resigning as a non-guilty, guilty pervo Repugnican toilet seat sniffer. He claims that he never inhaled.

“I never had sex with that police officer,” Craig roared to a standing room only crowd at the Boise Improv last night. The Boise Chamber of Commerce reports that hotel rooms and inbound airline seats to the Idaho capital have been hard to get since Craig started his twice nightly standup routine. Tickets on flights routed through Minneapolis are simply impossible to obtain.

Nightly performances take place on a specially constructed set with 4 urinals and 3 adjacent bathroom stalls. The scantily clad Senator gets the crowd roaring early in each set with his patented “I’m not gay, I’ve never been gay” as he stares at his police officer straight man assistant. In his International Male jock strap and leather chaps the 62 year old Senator has become an iconic sex object in the Idaho gay community.

Certain Hollywood insiders close to this column have let slip an unconfirmed rumor that the Senator will be doing a comedy/variety show on Fox TV next season, featuring guests from the Log Cabin Republicans and various Colorado Springs churches and hate groups.

As Craig continues to perform to sold out crowds at the Boise Improv, the favorite part of his act seems to be the way he keeps saying “Guilty”, then turns his head the other way and says “Not Guilty.”

Concerns have been expressed that his nearly nude appearance onstage might weaken Family Values in Idaho, but Craig responded by repeating his trademark line “I’m not gay, I’ve never been gay”. Craig lives just outside Boise in his own Private Idaho.

Technorati Tags: Comedy, Party of Jesus, Larry Craig, Senator Fag, I’m not gay, Family Values, Idaho, guilty, not guilty, resigning, not resigning, toilet sex, US Senate

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US Senator Larry Craig (Party of Jesus) Video on Family Values

Posted on August 28th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Court Cases, Faith Based Bigotry, Faith-Based Hypocrisy, Faith-Based Self Loathing, Homophobia, Mor[m]ons, Religious Wingnuts, Repugnicans.

Party of Jesus Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested in June for soliciting gay sex in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport, is a strong supporter of Mitt Romney and Family Values. We wonder if it was Mitt’s Magic Underwear that formed the basis of the bond between these two famous homophobes.

Unfortunately his little video bit expressing his support for Magic Underwear Mitt seems to have been disappeared from the Mitt Romney Mormons for Homophobia Campaign Site. We found it though:

Apparently when he is not busy bashing fags for Jesus, old Larry likes to have a go in the poo poo room.

They are very proud of Larry back in Idaho. Here is a page that brags about Larry and warns people about gays having sex in restrooms. The good folks at the Idaho Values Alliance want you to be careful in public restrooms. You never know when you might be propositioned by a Repugnican Senator.

Technorati Tags: Larry Craig, hypocrite, Repugnican, closet case, Family Values, Mitt Romney, Magic Underwear, hypocrisy, Idaho Values Alliance, Homophobia, Airport sex, restroom sex, Party of Jesus, Senate, Senator

0 comments.

Kreationist Klown Museum Shows Gay Adam in Video

Posted on June 8th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Comedy, Faith Based Bigotry, Faith-based Sighince, Religious Wingnuts, Sighintifik Resurch.

Extreme panic struck at the newly opened Kreationist Klown Museum in Trailer Park, KY this week when it was discovered that the actor featured as Adam in one of their idiot-drool videos is possibly a gay man who once appeared with a drag queen on a sex-related website named BedroomAcrobat.com (currently slashdotted, it would seem). Buff hunk actor Eric Linden may actually like Steve a bit more than Eve. Oh no, RUN AWAY.

This is too rich, just entirely too rich. A nice story, mind you. Still, it seems richly deserving that the Kreationist Klown Museum may have hired a fairy to tell their fairy tales. Let us bask in the irony of this wonderfully funny news item as we giggle, behind our hands of course, at the panicked reaction of the Kreationist Klowns who have pulled the video that might possibly feature a gay man playing the role of the fairy-tale Adam.

Maybe there really is justice in this world, albeit usually as well concealed as an Iraqi WMD.

Technorati Tags: Adam, Steve, Eric Linden, Garden of Eden, Kreationist Klown Museum, fairies, fairy tales, Creationism, Adam and Steve, Adam and Eve

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US Considered Building a Gay Bomb

Posted on June 4th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Faith Based Bigotry, Homophobia, Sighintifik Resurch, Warmongering.

The BBC reports that the US Military considered designing a gay bomb, a weapon that would instantly cause enemy troops to turn gay and be irresistably attracted to one another. High ranking Pentagon officials eventually turned down the proposal.

It seems the weapon that was being considered was expected to have the effect of pacifying enemy forces as well as increasing US exports of Village People and Bette Midler music CDs. After all, we all know that gay men love disco, show tunes and Bette.

Certainly there is no historical precedent for a gay military force, no famous legendary military campaigns were ever led by gay men, and no famous legions of gay soldiers ever made it into the history books - in Kansas.

But let us imagine that the failure on the part of the Pentagon to develop this absolutely fabulous fashion bomb might give our enemies the upper hand by letting them get ahead using a butch team of manly weapons researchers with buff tone and great abs. We might end up with gay bomb size envy.

What if the terr’ists set off a gay bomb in Vatican City? Why it would have no effect at all except for destroying acres of closet space. What about Topeka, Kansas?

By failing to develop this fiendishly clever weapon are we giving Al Qaeda a homosexual agenda cold war advantage? If the terr’ists set off a gay bomb in Washington would Jeff Gannon take over as Chief White House Spokesman?

And what about the sanctity of marriage? I suppose the President and Vice President would have to divorce their wives before they could get married to each other in a gala gay marriage event in the White House Rose Garden.

I think we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack! Won’t somebody think of the children?

Technorati Tags: Pentagon, research, Bush, Cheney, gay marriage, gay bomb, BBC, Vatican, Fred Phelps

0 comments.

God Hates Mixed Fibers

Posted on May 22nd, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Dumbass Religions, Faith Based Bigotry, Religious Wingnuts.

A Spanish retail clothing chain has been forced to recall a line of men’s suits because idiotic orthodox Jews got very pissy and whiny over the fact that the clothing was made with a combination of linen and wool. Oh no, run away! These wankers believe that their Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy hates mixed fibers. Not content to just refrain from buying such clothing because God Hates Mixed Fibers, these religious imperialists required the clothing chain to completely remove the offending garments from their stores, denying atheists and other less deluded types the opportunity to buy such items as well.

This case clearly illustrates the sort of problems rampant in all 3 of the abysmally stupid Abrahamic religious delusions. Those afflicted with these idiotic beliefs are not content just to avoid wearing clothing that will get them cast into the eternal hell of fires burning oil stolen from Iraq, they feel a compulsion to force everybody to wear clothing they endorse.

If some Jewish people want to belong to idiotic cults with moronic ideas about fictional deities, good for them. They can delude themselves about anything their hearts desire. We support their right to aspire to stupidity and idiocy. But if they don’t mind very much, I’d prefer to decide which sorts of seafood I eat, clothing I wear, and if it is not too much of an inconvenience for them, I might even wish to decide with whom I will and will not have consensual sex. I’ll even trim the corners of my fucking beard, if it’s not too much of a hassle for them.

It’s no wonder God Hates Fundamentalists.

Technorati Tags: God Hates, mixed fibers, crustaceans, barbers, Orthodox, abraham, dumbass religions

2 comments.

George W. Bush Scandal Collector Plates

Posted on May 4th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Our Glorious Christian Leader, Repugnicans.

In this video clip, Bill Maher presents the George W. Bush Scandal Collector Plate Series, it is a subscription service, you get a new plate every month. Several years may be required past the end of the Bush Administration for the Jefferson Mint to be able to catch up, there are just so many scandals!

Order now, operators are standing by. And if you call within the next ten minutes…

Technorati Tags: Bill Maher, youtube, Collector Plates, Jefferson Mint, Our Glorious Christian Leader, George W Bush, call now, comedy, satire, spoof

1 comment.

Are Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise Secret Gay Lovers?

Posted on May 3rd, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Mor[m]ons, Religious Wingnuts, Repugnicans.

Mitt Romney recently revealed that his favorite book of all time was the psychotic ravings of L Ron Hubbard in Battlefield Earth, the proto-Bible of the Scientologist cult of which Tom Cruise is a well known member. This furtive admission by would-be warmonger Romney finally allows us to connect certain details of Mitt’s lifestyle choice and that of the famous Mr Cruise.

As Ted Haggard clearly demonstrated for the world last fall, those who protest most vehemently against homosexuals are often the folks with the deepest and darkest closet spaces. It is a well known fact that Tom Cruise has an entire army of attorneys just waiting to sue anyone who suggests he is a bit light in the loafers. And Mitt Romney has been struggling for many years to portray himself as the most viciously and vehemently homophobic of all the Party of Jesus Presidential candidates.

So let us examine the known facts, Tom Cruise poses as an actor in order to distract people from his Scientologist agenda, while Mitt Romney poses as a Mor[m]on so folks won’t guess that he is a follower L Ron Hubbard. One must admit that it is a fairly clever ploy on Romneys part to conceal his membership in one psychotic and abusive cult by claiming to be a member of a somewhat older but more violent death cult.

Many have postulated that Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise are actually secret gay lovers. In order to evaluate this claim, since both well known homophobes can be expected to issue forcefully worded denials, let us examine the facts that are available to the general public.

• Mitt Romney claims to be a lifelong hunter
• Tom Cruise appeared in a movie as a vampire, hunting for victims
• As Governor of Massachusetts, Romney used his bully pulpit to harass gays
• Tom Cruise was constantly bullied in school
• Although Tom Cruise often makes donations to political candidates, he has carefully avoided giving money to Romney
• Romney says he’ll expand our Armed Forces if elected, is he secretly planning to hire Top Gun?

When you add up all of the available evidence, and consider what great efforts Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise have gone to in order to avoid being seen together in public, only one conclusion is possible. Still, we wonder which one is the top?

Technorati Tags: Mitt Romney, Ted Haggard, Tom Cruise, gay lovers, Scientology, L Ron Hubbard, closet cases, homosexuality, gay rights, Battlefield Earth, favorite book, Republican, Party of Jesus

2 comments.

Holy Water Rejects Demonic Cardinal, Broken Hip Results

Posted on April 8th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Comedy, Roman Catholic.

It is a well known and often documented scientific fact that Holy Water can cause great harm to demons. So it comes as no surprise to hear that Roman Catholic Cardinal Francis George of Chicago broke his hip when a puddle of Holy Water protected nearby children from his evil influence. Several virginal children were within a few feet of the Demon when the Holy Water righteously caused the 70 year old bingo caller to smash to the floor in God’s judgment of the world’s most vicious child molesting cabal.

The Cardinal survived the fall, but these sorts of demons only remain dead for 3 days even if they do fall on a wooden stake.

Technorati Tags: Roman Catholic, Cardinal George, Chicago, Holy Water

0 comments.

Nude Milk Chocolate Jesus Upsets Some Tight Ass Types

Posted on March 30th, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Christian Candy, Comedy.

Folks around New York City seemed to be having hissy fits, as if they were homo libruls or something, when word got out on Friday March 30, 2007 of plans to display an anatomically sacred Nude Chocolate Jesus. I mean, what the heck? We bet you can’t lick Jesus just once! Was it the milk in the chocolate, maybe it was PETA getting upset about the way that the chocolate cows were treated.

I mean, we assume the fuss is not about the fact that Jesus’ naked penis was chocolate-colored, much as one might imagine that the penis of a man of African descent might be. We are not suggesting that this is about racism. When you run out of altar boys, eat a Chocolate Jesus, he’s loaded with anti-oxidants, and you won’t get arrested like Father O’Flaherty did. You can buy your own Chocolate Jesus too.

And there are other precedents for a Chocolate Jesus, check out YouTube for proof.

Chocolate Jesus

Well, i don’t go to church on sunday
Don’t get on my knees to pray
Don’t memorize the books of the bible
I got my own special way

I know jesus loves me
Maybe just a little bit more
I fall down on my knees every sunday
At zerelda lee’s candy store

Well, it’s got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Well, i don’t want no abba zabba
Don’t want no almond joy
There ain’t nothing better
Suitable for this boy

Well, it’s the only thing that can pick me up
It’s better than a cup of gold
See, only a chocolate jesus
Can satisfy my soul

When the weather gets rough and it’s whiskey in the shade
It’s best to wrap your savior up in cellophane
He flows like the big muddy but that’s okay
Pour him over ice cream for a nice parfait

Well, it’s got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Got to be a chocolate jesus
It’s good enough for me

And it’s got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel so good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Written by: Kathleen Brennan and Tom Waits

Chocolate Jesus, melts in your mouth, not on the Cross. Still, I can’t help wondering if he had a nice one or not. Bet you can’t suck it just once.

Technorati Tags: blasphemy, sacrilege, Chocolate Jesus, penis,

1 comment.

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