Jammed Fax Machine Provokes Mass Hysteria at Massachusetts Bank

Posted on May 31st, 2007 by Fagnit.
Categories: Rants, Repugnicans, UnFaux News, editorials.

In Ashland, Massachusetts a fax machine at a Bank of America branch jammed while receiving a fax from the Bank of America marketing department. Graphical images of a lighted match and a bomb with a fuse were visible in the partial fax copy received before the jam. Like good victims of the Fox News Network, the bank employees panicked and called the police in the first hysterical over-reaction in a chain of police-involved hysterical reactions.

By the time that someone had managed to clear the paper jam in the fax machine 15 local businesses had been evacuated, including a day care facility with 30 children at a nearby property. How many parents had to leave work early to go pickup their children? How many innocent children were frightened by this hysterical over-reaction by an Action News afflicted idiot? Film at 11!

Let’s face it, fax machines are evil. There can be no denying the deeply evil nature of a fax machine. In fact only clothes hangers and nuclear weapons are more evil than fax machines, although ink-jet printers are mighty damn annoying. But most fax machines do not usually explode because of a paper jam. Most of the time.

I admit there have been a few times I’ve wanted to pickup a fax machine and throw it with great force against a nearby wall, I hate the fucking things! But this animosity does not translate into fear that easily for me. I’ve never let a fax machine get the better of me for more than a few minutes.

Recently, in order to protect our property from terr’ists, I contracted with a Chicago area firm to receive faxes for me, convert them to digital images, and then email the image to me here in California. I figure as long as the fax machine is 1700 miles away I don’t need to evacuate the property every time some random fax comes in. Hell, I don’t even watch Fox News, so I’m probably not nearly as frightened of my own shadow as I should be. In fact I designed and created UnFox News as an antidote to Fox News, it’s not a propaganda arm of the Republican Party.

You can fax your comments or send voicemail responses to this blog entry using my 1700 mile away fax machine by calling (815) 642-4707. It won’t cause any paper jams and I promise not to panic.

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1 comment.

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Meeg

Comment on June 2nd, 2007.

Fax machines are so evil! You don’t need to be a Luddite or anything to feel that way, you just need to have worked in an office. Amusing post.

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